Where Have You Gone, My Sweet Stillborn?



Where have you gone, my sweet stillborn?
Where have you gone? My heart is so torn.
Why did you leave? Why couldn’t you stay?
For just one more hour, or perhaps a whole day?

You were here only briefly, then you vanished,
You looked frail and bruised, ever so famished.
You could not cry; you had no tear-filled cheeks,
But I cried for you, my baby, for days and weeks.

Where have you gone, my sweet stillborn?
Once with such energy inside mommy’s tummy;
Why do you now look so completely worn?
Why did you leave? Why couldn’t you stay?
I bought you toys. Don’t you want to play?

There was no heartbeat; you had no signs of life,
Original sin causes all of this death, pain, and strife.
My miracle wish was to hear just one single breath,
That wish did not come true; I witnessed your death.

Where have you gone, my sweet stillborn?
What can I do? How can I bear this thorn?
I can’t take you home; they took you away,
Oh to see you again; any sum I would pay.

No place to hide from this painful emotion,
Still so intense, so vivid, like a tearful ocean.
I reach out to God, for He understands pain,
He works all things; your death wasn’t in vain.

Where have you gone, my sweet stillborn?
I tried to pray today, and all I did was mourn.
But there is yet sunshine, even after the rain,
Because what I see as loss is your greatest gain.

Where have you gone, my sweet stillborn?
I know where you are; a place no one will mourn.
No time on earth, direct to the presence of our Lord,
You’re now with Jesus Christ, a far better reward.

They laid you in the ground, yes, they put you in a box,
Your tiny body among the grass, the dirt, and the rocks.
But oh, my sweet stillborn, you won’t remain in the ground,
Your body will rise and join your soul; you will see His face;
the King forever crowned.

His glory will surround! Spellbound!

My sweet stillborn, you will be spellbound!


Your likes or comments are always appreciated! I will do my best to respond to each one. And if you enjoy my posts, I wouldn’t mind an extra subscriber either. (-:  God bless you, and thanks for stopping by!   — Jamie


We Will See Our Babies Move



Don’t be still, my baby; Daddy wants you to look at him, and to smile,
Please rest your head against my arms, as I look into your beautiful eyes,
Now hold still, but only for a moment. Let me just watch you a little while,
You are created in God’s image, and amazing as can be; I tell you no lies.

You may be still, you may not be moving, but you are made for a reason,
A reason I don’t have, but there is a purpose for it all; Yes, God made you,
He knew what He was doing, His ways are perfect always, in every season,
God took you to Himself. You are with Him, and He is Faithful and True.

One day you will know me, my baby, you will see me; I will see you move,
I will see you move around. You won’t be still like you are here. I think of this,
I think of this when I imagine meeting you in Heaven, where God will prove,
That your stillness ends. My baby, what’s it like being with Jesus in total bliss?

In the end it all works out perfectly, my little baby, in the end I see you move,
Not just once, but all the time. No longer are you still. Your legs will run to Jesus,
Your mouth will praise Him with the angels. Your hands will serve Him in love,
Your glorified eyes will gaze on the King who loves you, the One who frees us.

So jump for joy when you receive your glorified body, for you won’t be still,
You will worship Him day and night; He is the One we will adore and praise,
You will be still for a moment, when you stop to take in His glory. What a thrill,
When you see His shining face, you will move with great joy! All of your days.


Your likes or comments are always appreciated! I will do my best to respond to each one. And if you enjoy my posts, I wouldn’t mind an extra subscriber either. (-:  God bless you, and thanks for stopping by!   — Jamie

If My Baby Were Alive On Her Sweet 16th


                                                            Dear Ariana,


If only you were still here, we’d soon be celebrating your sweet 16th birthday,
I wonder what gift you would have liked? Would you have wanted a new car?
A safe, but new, car to show off? I know, it must be cute too. A gift to proudly display,
No gift would be too high a price. Not even new wheels; you are worth more by far.

You wore pink the day you were born, born still; the day we all planned for you to stay,
You wore pink. Would you like a pink car? I think you would. Please be careful out there,
I’ve decided to get it for you. But please…..drive safe. And before you leave, always pray,
Pray that God would guide and protect you; and always remember sweetie, I deeply care.

You know what I would do for your birthday party? I’d plan you the biggest surprise,
One that you would never see coming; 50 of your best friends and your favorite food,
Would you be embarrassed? Would you cry, Ariana? Would you have tears in your eyes?
I think you’d be shocked and embarrassed. But I know you; you would never be rude.

Your eyes are glued to the driveway; No cake now, right? But wait….. I baked you one,
And I baked you the biggest cake, with pink icing and a picture of your beautiful face,
Ok, enjoy your ride. But you better drive sensibly. Not too fast. Don’t have too much fun,
And no boys. Yes, I say to you, no boys. I will tell you when. Not now. Carry some mace.

Why can’t I plan your birthday, baby girl? Why is this? Sixteen is supposed to be sweet,
A special moment for you and me, when I should be annoying you about your curfew,
Would you have come home on time? I think you would’ve. Time for your birthday treat,
Can I still plan this? Can daddy imagine what it would’ve been like? If only it were true.

But you are ok. More than ok. You are happy beyond words. For you are with the Lord,
Sixteen is sweeter where you are anyway. Daddy can’t make you happy like you are now,
You are with Jesus in fullness of joy; in a place of bliss; a place you will never be bored,
Happy Sweet 16th! You didn’t think daddy would forget, did you? Oh, how could I? How?

No tears for you in heaven. But daddy misses you. Though I know the best is yet to come,
A really sweet day; a day sweeter than any sixteenth birthday party I could ever throw,
A day far greater than any birthday or celebration; oh to think of what we will become!
We will be resurrected. Christ comes! Your body won’t be still anymore. Don’t you know?


* My baby girl, Ariana, was born and died on February 20th, 2002. Her sweet 16th will be here soon.


Your likes or comments are always appreciated! I will do my best to respond to each one. And if you enjoy my posts, I wouldn’t mind an extra subscriber either. (-:  God bless you, and thanks for stopping by!   — Jamie


The Day I Didn’t Protect My Baby Girl



Daddies protect their baby girls. This is what they do. But I couldn’t protect mine. Long before she was even born, I had a mental list of all the things I would try to protect her from. Cuts, scrapes, and bruises from falling off her bike when she was young, to drugs, bad boys, and illicit sex when she got older. Later on, I would have added to the list things like bullies and online predators. But, in a small hospital in Northeastern PA, all these plans to protect came crashing down. All these “would be” teachings never came to pass. There was one thing I needed to protect her from that I couldn’t. I couldn’t protect her from her own strength. From her own lifeline to her mommy…….of all things. That is what she needed protection from. I didn’t do what daddies are supposed to do.

Thinking back to the very moment when I found out she was dead, I can almost recapture the same disturbing emotion……..if I concentrate hard enough. I can still hear the swooshing noises of the ultrasound machine. The deafening silence of the technician. And, even worse, the deafening silence of no heartbeat on the monitor. But my heart was probably pulsating into my shirt. And then……there was the look of fear on everyone’s face, including mine. A nightmarish feeling throughout my whole body. I wanted the technician to say something…….anything. And at the same time, I wanted her to just keep quiet. I wanted to delay what I thought would become a nervous breakdown. I was really scared. Yes, daddies get scared when their baby girl doesn’t move. It means he may never see her alive…….ever again. It means she got hurt really bad. It means he didn’t protect her.

I kept thinking “Are they going to tell me I am never taking her home?!” “Is this for real?!” “Are you telling me that I didn’t protect my baby from harm?! And how can I possibly ever protect her again, if she doesn’t come home with me?!” All of a sudden, nothing else in your life means anything to you. Money, stuff, sports, sex……….. nothing else means anything to you. Someone could tell you that you just won 10 million dollars, and you would feel dead inside. You’d push that green garbage out of your way. No desire at all for it. Money can’t buy back your baby. It cannot work a miracle. All I wanted was to protect her. But I didn’t. Simple as that. And it doesn’t matter how true it is that there is nothing I could have done. That doesn’t alleviate the agony of the whole thing. The agony has nothing to do with fault or neglect, or lack thereof. The agony is simply the fact that I never protected her. And protection is what daddies do for their little girls. And when they don’t protect, regardless of the circumstances, they live with unspeakable heartache. Their role goes unfulfilled.

I will never forget the feeling. But yet, I could never begin to accurately describe what it felt like. To be a daddy and lose your baby girl to stillbirth is a shock to your system. You don’t just “get over it”. Ever. I couldn’t make the darkness go away. I had to continually bear up under the awful reality. The reality that my baby girl is not coming home with me. I first felt the sting of this shock 15 years ago when I lost my precious Ariana. Seeing my baby girl just lying there motionless, it felt like every organ was wailing on my insides. A groaning lament that only I could hear. It wrecks your emotions something terrible. It is like someone sticking a knife in your head and ripping away the joy center of your brain, but leaving everything else intact. Something of this anguish will always be inside of me. Unfulfilled love. Unfulfilled joy. Unfulfilled expectations. And………unfulfilled obligation. And that is the obligation of protection. I wanted her to look at me with those baby eyes. I wanted her to look at me with the God-given instinct that she was safe in the arms of daddy. “I’m sorry that daddy didn’t protect you baby!” is what I would love to say to her now.

As a man, I am supposed to be the protector. And it ought to be a joy to take on such a God-given role. That is how our God designed things to be. But I couldn’t protect her in the womb. I couldn’t stop her from kicking so hard that she looped the umbilical cord around her ankle. Good daddies can, and will, warn their little girls of many things. Not that they will always listen and obey of course, but you still have the opportunity to warn them. Bad things might happen, but you can still at least try to wake them up to reality. You can still do everything under your power to step in and protect them.

And even if you can’t anticipate every possible thing that could happen to your daughter, you can still teach them about safety and common sense. You can be proactive. In fact, you should be. You can teach them how to use guns or pepper spray. You can teach them self-defense. You can teach them about unnecessary risks that they need not ever be taking. You can teach them how a teenage boy’s mind functions. You can teach about modesty in their clothing choices. You can teach them to scream at the top of their lungs “RAPE!!!!” when they are in danger. I would be teaching her all these things. Why? Because daddies are protectors of their baby girl. Even when she is 50!

Through the years, daddies can say lots of things to protect their daughters. These are some of the ways I anticipated protecting my baby……..

“Baby, you are too little for a real bike. You need training wheels for a while. I am buying you the one with training wheels.”

“No, honey, you are not allowed go to that party. End of discussion.”

“Princess, you are staying home tonight. The roads are too slick to drive on.”

“Sweetie, that skirt is too short. Go upstairs and change. Now.”

“Ariana, no Facebook for you today. And I’m taking your phone away for a few days.”

“I don’t care what Tina’s parents are letting her do. You are not going camping when boys are there!”

“I will not allow you to date that boy. He doesn’t love Jesus.”

And my personal favorite (the one I would have said most often)…………

“Repent and believe the gospel!” (If she believes this, it will protect her from hell)

Good daddies can anticipate and plan for all these things, then act accordingly. And although we can’t make her always choose properly, we can tell her why certain pathways are in her best interest to take. But one thing a daddy doesn’t say is……

“Baby, don’t kick so hard in mommy’s tummy! Stop! You don’t know your own strength! You are going to die if you keep doing that!”

I couldn’t give my baby a speech about the proper and safe way to kick while she is still inside mommy’s tummy. She didn’t know any better. She just kept kicking like crazy. Her own strength and perseverance killed her. Her lifeline to her mother was the very instrument of her death. What a handful she would have been had she made it out of the womb safely! A handful I would gladly receive any day.

The question for me isn’t “Jamie, how could you have possibly known she was going to kick like that? And even if you did, how could you have stopped her?” That’s not the issue. I didn’t keep her from harm. That is the issue. Her blood flow was cut off. I didn’t fix it. I didn’t fulfill my God-given role of being a daddy. It isn’t about fault or blame. It is about reality. It doesn’t always mean disobedience toward your role. Sometimes it just means unrealized. “It didn’t happen for you like it does everyone else” kind of thing. In other words, life can really suck sometimes! Move on. Go forward. Right? No, it doesn’t work that way. They don’t have a pain vaccine for parents who lose babies. One day, if we are in Christ, every tear will be wiped from our eyes. But now, pain hurts. A lot.

Every daddy can relate to this God-given “protection” instinct, regardless of whether your little girl is dead or alive. When she gets hurt (either emotionally of physically), you feel that protection instinct take over. And you would take any blame for her 1000 times over if you could. If she got busted for underage drinking, you’d go to jail for her if you could (and then lecture her, and ground her….forever…… after she hopefully bails you out!) You’d take a bullet for her, without even thinking. Trust me, you would. You’d give your only lifeboat to her as you drown. There are thousands of aching daddies who have little girls with cancer. And they can’t stop it from spreading! Some of these girls will never ride a bike, graduate from high school, or walk down the aisle. And I can tell you one thing for sure. If these daddies had the opportunity to take that cancer out of her body and put it into his body………………done. In the twinkle of an eye……………done.

I remember how tight I held Ariana after her stillbirth. I held her like a protective daddy. I had my chance to protect her from harm. But she knew nothing. I remember her body was flimsy. It felt like a rag doll. It was my last chance to hold her though, so I held on as long as I could. They give you time to do this at the hospital. I am thankful for that. They gave me a chance to be a daddy. Daddies are protective of their baby girl. I wanted her attention so bad. I wanted her to look just once. I wanted her to know that nothing bad was going to happen to her now, because I was holding her. I was protecting her dead body from further harm. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? But that is what daddies do. Even when their baby girl no longer has breath or a beating heart. Then they came in to take her away. Her next stop was the funeral home. Then the cemetery. I couldn’t protect her from being lowered into the ground either. Yes, I know she was dead. But they were still lowering my baby girl into the ground. Do you now see what I mean?

I wanted to teach her to ride a bike. Even more important, I wanted to protect her from falling off the bike and hurting herself. I wanted to show her how strong daddy was, and how much he loved his little girl. That he would never let her fall down and hurt herself. Maybe a little boy could deal with the bumps and bruises. But not my Ariana. I would have done everything I could to keep her from a skinned knee. Right now, I picture what her smile would look like when I catch her before her bike hits the ground. Oh how I can see the look in her eyes! I write that in the present tense because I am acting it out as vividly as I can. Then, I would tell her that Daddy would never let her crash to the ground. I would say, “Daddy loves you and doesn’t want you to ever get hurt. When you hurt, I hurt.” How else would she ever know that I was a loving protector, unless I really did protect her from something? How else would she know why I saved her from the pain, unless I explained my motives afterwards?

But Ariana did get hurt. She never saw any of my protection. And this was long before she ever got to ride a bike. I will never share that moment with her. I can hear her cute little voice shouting, “Daddy, you saved me!!” That has such an irresistible ring to it. And I would have saved her too………every time. No hitting the asphalt and “learning her lessons the hard way” for my little princess. No free range parenting on that one for me. But we never made it to the bicycle stage. I couldn’t save her on the day of her birth. Why? Because I am not her savior. All earthly fathers have limited capabilities. I simply could not help my baby. Where do I turn?


God Almighty is the only One who could have truly protected my baby from harm. But in His perfect and infinite wisdom, He chose not to. Sure, I have questions. But I trust Him. Yes, it is difficult. But I trust Him. No, my trust isn’t perfect. But He is perfect and I trust Him. He is the only all-sufficient Protector.

Psalm 20:1 says, “May the LORD answer you in the day of distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.”

And in Isaiah 41:10 we read “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Ariana is now with her true Protector. Ultimately, I could never fulfill that role perfectly. But now she is with the One who never fails, not even for a moment. If I had been a Christian when she died, I would have certainly grieved. But I would have grieved very differently. There would have been a peace in the midst of the storm. A peace that comes from knowing that there is no event outside of God’s control, and that Ariana’s death did not catch Him off guard. And knowing that no harm can ever again come upon her, for God is her refuge and strength. And one day I will see Ariana under the mighty protection of Jesus Christ!

I do grieve that I can never play a part in her earthly protection. Daddies long to be fulfilled that way. But now, truly I can say, nothing bad will ever happen to her again. Ariana was released from my faulty and limited protection to God’s everlasting and perfect protection. She is far better off.

I had a vague notion of heaven around the time of my baby’s death, even though I myself was headed the other way. But I had no clear understanding of the character, power, and magnificence of God. But now that the Holy Spirit has taught me some amazing things through the Word of God, I have a certain expectation of great things to come. I will see the same King whom my baby now sees.

I will see my Savior. I will see my Lord. I will see my Protector. And all of my unfulfilled love, joy, and expectations will be eternally and infinitely fulfilled in Him!


Your likes or comments are always appreciated! I will do my best to respond to each one. And if you enjoy my posts, I wouldn’t mind an extra subscriber either. (-:  God bless you, and thanks for stopping by!  – Jamie

Babies Dancing On Streets of Gold



A glorious day is coming, when our babies will dance on the streets of gold,
They will hop, skip, and jump towards the throne of Jesus Christ our King,
We will hold our beauties in our arms, not an ounce of love will we withhold,
As we make up for lost time, we will hug them, & laugh and dance and sing.

As we gaze upon their beautiful faces, and kiss their little, bubbly cheeks,
We will shout to everyone in heaven that our babies are here to stay,
Our days together will last forever, not just days or months or weeks,
This is the New Heavens and New Earth, our baby’s favorite place to play.

A place with no more stillborn babies; our littles will dance like no one’s watching,
On earth we never saw this, no chance to see them display their wonderful graces,
We saw the horror of a life extinguished, nothing but death, bruises, and blotching,
Oh to see our precious littles dancing! And to one day see their tiny, beautiful faces!

They will rejoice in the presence of King Jesus, and upon His face they will be gazing,
And for all the mommies and daddies who believe in Jesus, this will also be our story,
We too will dance on streets of gold; all of our movements will be a glorious praising,
Yes, one day mommies, daddies, and babies will all rejoice, being amazed by His glory.

So remember, as you’re feeling overwhelmed at the loss of your precious, little baby,
And you can’t understand why this would ever happen, why this sad story would ever have to be told,
When you can barely speak or get out of bed, and your painful loss feels ever so weighty,
Know that your baby’s soul is with the Savior, and one day they will, with body and soul, dance on the streets of gold!


Your likes or comments are always appreciated! I will do my best to respond to each one. And if you enjoy my posts, I wouldn’t mind an extra subscriber either. (-:  God bless you, and thanks for stopping by!  – Jamie




10 Things Parents of Stillborn Babies Want You To Know (Part 7): Ask Us About Our Baby


There was no blood flowing in her little baby body. There was no healthy glow. Her little skull was sunk down. Her eyes were closed. And the bruises were too devastating to even imagine. If you are the parent of a stillborn baby, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You can get to the point where you’re not even sure if you want people to visit you in the hospital. You’re afraid they may be traumatized. That’s how bad it is. But yet, he or she is still your baby. Despite all the pain and chaos of that fateful day, you miss your baby something terrible. You have hard memories. Really hard memories. But you still want to keep them. God keeps your baby now, and He gives you precious memories preserved in thoughts and pictures. Thanks to my parents, I still have a beautiful picture of my Ariana. And she is beautiful. Bruised and beautiful. How often do you ever see those two words put together? Yes, bruises and all. She was my baby. And I wanted to show her off.

As I continue with this series of articles dealing with parents of stillborn babies, we move to point #9.

Parents of stillborn babies want you to………………….


#9 We want you to ask questions about our baby (eye color, hair color, height, weight, did you get to hold the baby, did they look like mommy or daddy, do you have pics, etc.)


An Unforgettable Supervisor

“Do you have pictures? We want to see some pictures of your baby!!” These were nearly the exact words spoken from the lips of my supervisor a little over 15 years ago. It was a phrase so shocking that I never, ever believed that someone would ask it about my baby girl, Ariana. And although it was shocking, it was also a breath of fresh air in the midst of intense suffering. Shocking because……..well……..I didn’t think anyone would want to see pictures of another person’s stillborn baby. Too disturbing, right? At least this is what I thought at the time. I mean, according to the world’s standard of “cute”, a stillborn baby doesn’t quite pass the test. No soft, color filled cheeks. No developing facial features. No healthy glow to make people say, “Awww, would you just look at how beautiful she is!” In fact, sometimes your stillborn baby’s most noticeable features are the bruises and the blood red lips. Not exactly Facebook material, is it?

She Knew a Secret

What my supervisor said to me on that day was a breath of fresh air. I needed to hear that someone……anyone……. wanted to see what my baby girl looked like. Yes, my dead, already-decaying baby girl. Other than perhaps your immediate family, most people would never think to ask you for pictures. I suspect she had her fears about how disturbing the pics might look. Anyone would be apprehensive of such a thing. Not only that, but what if there was a really awkward reaction when she looked at the photos? You know, something totally out of her control. Like she might cringe, or look away really quickly, or even make a sound expressing her shock. I don’t know if she thought through all of these possibilities beforehand, but in the end her decision was to make much of my baby. And it is every parent’s joy to have people make much of their child. So just having the courage to ask me for pics was worth more than I can put into words. She knew how disturbing the pictures would be to look at. But it didn’t matter to her. She knew that my stillborn was created in God’s image, and that I loved her. She instinctively caught on to the fact that I wanted to show off Ariana, but there was no way I could ever initiate such a thing. She took the first difficult step, and did the work for me.

One Reason You Don’t Ask

You may not ask us for pictures because you’re afraid of what you will see. You may not ask us questions about what our baby looked like because you’re afraid it’s going to conjure up horrible images in our mind. Both may be true. Depending on how soon after birth the photos were taken, they may be extremely difficult to look at. Especially for those who are a little squeamish. And yes, when you ask us about what our baby looked like, our brains may recall some of the more broken aspects of his or her physical appearance. But guess what? We wish you would ask anyway. It would mean more to us than all the money and gifts that could ever be sent. It would mean more than a thousand words of good counseling. Often times, it is the simple things that mean so much. Simply asking me if I had the chance to hold my baby would run circles around all the books on “how to grieve the loss of a stillborn baby.” 

We understand your hesitation. Really, we do.  Well……..at least to a point. I mean, when our loved ones die, we typically don’t walk around showing pictures of what they looked like after they died. We show them when they were vibrant and alive! But there is something unique about our situation. We don’t have any pictures of our babies when they were vibrant and alive. The day of their birth is also the day of their death. Parents of stillborns have such a hard time with this. The day of our baby’s birth is a joyous event and a tragic ending all at the same time. It is a cruel irony.

Don’t Be Shocked

We only had one day we could take pictures of our little one. That’s all. And not even a full day. We are talking hours here. Maybe not even that much in some cases. So, why wouldn’t we want to take pictures of our precious time with them? Why wouldn’t we want to preserve whatever memories we possibly could? And why would we not want to share our pictures of them? We understand if you can’t bear to look at them. We don’t want anyone to be uncomfortable. But please don’t be shocked that we love our baby’s pics. Don’t be shocked that we want people to bring up the subject. Remember, the only living pictures we have of them are ultrasound images from inside the womb. But who shows off their ultrasound pictures after the baby is born? No one that I know.

Grief Happens

There is another reason you don’t ask. It is because you think we will feel more hurt to be reminded of that fateful day of birth. Well, my response would be that we are already reminded of our babies every day. And we are ok with that! It is automatic. You don’t forget people you love. Nor do you ever want to. God has created such a beautiful bond between parent and child, that not even death can destroy it. As long as the memory centers of our brain are functioning, we will constantly remember our baby. That is why I believe Alzheimer’s is one of the most devastating of all diseases. To forget loved ones is such a heartbreaking thing to imagine for families.  So asking us to see pics isn’t going to create any more pain that isn’t already there. It may bring tears, but that is what grief does. Tears are healthy. In a fallen world, grief is essential. So remember this: what hurts far more than being reminded of our baby is not being reminded of our baby.

Daddy’s Hair Color

“She has dark hair just like her daddy” was the first thing my supervisor said after I showed her Ariana’s picture. But it was the way she said it that I remember more than anything. You know that kind of teasing voice that someone uses when they are trying to make you laugh? Especially when laughing is the furthest thing from your mind. She said it something like this, “Jamie, I see dark hair on Ariana, hmmmmmm……..(with a slight smile on her face)………….I wonder where she got that from??!!” (I actually still had some hair at that time!) It is a moment I will never forget. She knew that Ariana mattered to me. And she gave me some precious few moments that I cherish to this day. She asked for pictures. She made a reference to my baby’s hair color. She personalized Ariana for me. Priceless.

Wish We Had Cuter Pictures

People go crazy over cute pictures, especially baby pictures. And now that we live in the age of social media, it is easier than ever to satisfy everyone’s visual itch. And this quest for “cuteness” starts long before the baby is born. Mommies all over the internet are taking pictures of their baby-filled tummies. Tummies at 6 weeks, 10 weeks, 20 weeks, 30 weeks, and on and on. And it is completely innocent too. It is all about the baby, a little preview of what’s to come. These mommies are giving everyone an appetizer before the meal. They are simply displaying to the world that an adorable, tiny human being hides just beneath the surface.

The anticipation of birth increases with every picture of her growing tummy. The day inches ever closer. Family, friends, and co-workers are all getting excited for that special day when the baby will arrive. They can’t wait to see the baby pics. And when that day finally comes, all of the anticipation is so worth it. The joy is overwhelming. Except, that is, if you are the mommy of a stillborn baby. Now, every time you see those old pictures of you looking preggers, you feel the pain of loss. The pain of what could have been. You never thought your only pictures to show off now would be ones that people would quickly scroll past- in horror – if you put them on Facebook. Tragic. My heart goes out to all you mommies.


Society places way too much value on outer beauty. Beauty that contains perfect skin, with no blemishes. No defects are allowed for. Even little babies do not escape these cultural thought patterns. No, blood and bruises are not beautiful. They are disturbing. Especially when you are looking at a baby. But here’s the thing. The beauty comes when you look past the bruises and realize there is so much more to your baby. The beauty comes when you realize how much love you have for your baby despite the bruising. The bruises are temporary. Love is not.

I saw Ariana up close and personal. I held her flimsy body tight. I saw her placed in a casket. I saw people lower her into the ground. But she is not just a dead body buried in a grave. She, and all other stillborn babies, are with God as living souls. And one day, when Jesus Christ returns, they will have their physical bodies join their souls. But for now, they live in our memories with the physical traits that we saw them with. Even as damaged as they were, they are the memories we have. They are preserved in our hearts, our minds, and in pictures. Would you consider asking us about them?

Your likes or comments are always appreciated! I will do my best to respond to each one. And if you enjoy my posts, I wouldn’t mind an extra subscriber either. (-:  God bless you, and thanks for stopping by!  – Jamie

Our Stillborn Baby’s Greatest Gain

The next time you visit your stillborn, and you’re crying at the site of their grave,
Remember: your baby is more alive than ever; they have no crying, no tears, no pain.
He or she is now in perfect joy with all the saints, those whom Jesus came to save,
You must remember that the day of our greatest loss was our baby’s greatest gain.

Jesus has a special love for babies, and He knows each one by name,
Right now they are with Him in spirit, and one day with glorified bodies.
They can’t stop being near our Savior, for in heaven He is worth all the fame,
Our littles are well taken care of; no need to worry daddies and mommies.

So for those of you in Christ, you will one day join your baby at the throne,
And see for yourself the majesty, beauty, and wonder of His glorious Name.
At that moment all your heartache will be lifted, and you’ll finally be at home,
And you’ll realize that the day of your greatest loss was your baby’s greatest gain.

They are now with their Lord and Savior, far better than being here on earth,
God has many plans for them, and an infinite number of days to work with.
Our babies love to praise our God and King, for they have been doing so since birth,
You may or may not believe this, but I tell you the truth; heaven is no myth.

The joy of heaven is Jesus Christ; our babies know this and experience it every day,
They have just begun to enjoy His glory, and I hope one day you will do the same.
For when we finally see His face, shining like the sun with beams headed our way,
There will be no question, that the day of our greatest loss was our baby’s greatest gain!


Your likes or comments are always appreciated! I will do my best to respond to each one. And if you enjoy my posts, I wouldn’t mind an extra subscriber either. (-:  God bless you, and thanks for stopping by!  – Jamie


10 Things Parents of Stillborn Babies Want You To Know (Part 6): The Power of Parental Bond

Image result for dad holding baby girl


Death does not break the bond between parent and child. God is the one who created this bond. And stillbirth does not, and cannot, sever it………ever. You don’t have to change a diaper to be a parent. You don’t have to be awoken at night to a crying baby to be a parent. You don’t have to suffer through a “Walmart fiasco” when your child can’t have their favorite toy. You don’t need to read stories to your little ones at night to qualify as a parent. You don’t need to have tons of cute pictures and videos to upload on social media to qualify as a parent either. Those things happen for most parents, but they are not an option for parents of stillborn babies. But, you know what, we are still parents. And nothing will ever change that.

As we continue on in this series of posts dealing with stillborn baby loss, we come to this vital piece of the puzzle for those who have lost stillborn babies. It is crucial for us as the parents, and others who are part of our lives, to know that we really are parents. And it is so important to us that everyone clearly acknowledges this. Otherwise, we suffer needless heartache. When people don’t have this understanding for parents of stillborn babies, it makes things so much more difficult than they have to be. As weird as it sounds, we feel like we have to accommodate you. We feel like we have to make you emotionally comfortable in talking to us. Like we have to offer the perfect explanation so as to remove all the awkwardness from you. Like we have to justify calling ourselves parents, or referring to our baby. Strange, but unfortunately true.

With that said, we come to #8. Parents of stillborn babies want you to acknowledge………

#8 We want you to acknowledge the powerful bond that we have with our babies, and want you to refer to us as their parents.


Yes…….We Really Are Parents

Should be obvious, ha? I mean, doesn’t a stillborn baby have the mother and father’s genetics? Isn’t a stillborn baby comprised of sperm and egg? Doesn’t a stillborn baby grow in the mommy’s tummy? Isn’t a stillborn baby created in God’s image? If you really think about it, why would we be referred to as anything else besides the baby’s parents? But parents of stillborn babies know exactly why I mention all of this. Sadly, many people don’t think of us as parents, at least not in any meaningful, life-changing way. Well, unless of course, we have other children…….then most folks will boldly pronounce us as “Class A” Parents. Top of the line, real, living, “just like us” kind of parents. But even then, an odd distinction is made between living children and stillborn babies. People don’t want to engage you as much regarding your stillborn. Somehow they miss the fact that your eyes just lit up with the mere thought of being able to talk about your baby! They just blow right by the opportunity. And it never gets easy. It is always frustrating beyond belief. Your baby’s memory gets sideswiped like a car on a hit and run that just drives away like nothing serious even happened.

No Bedtime Bible Stories

I don’t have any living children, but the sense I get from people is that a stillborn baby just isn’t as deserving of all the conversation as other kids are. Why is this? Most people make no favorable comparison between a living child and a stillborn baby. What a crying shame this is. It’s almost like the real reason someone is considered a parent is because they have ongoing celebrations and hardships that parents of stillborns do not have. For example, we can never talk about our stillborn baby as being a 2 year old toddler who is out of control, or a 10 year old who made the honor roll again this year, or how long it’s taking to potty train them, or how enjoyable it is to read them the Bible every night. Parents of stillborns do not have these particular joys, heartaches and stresses. We have different ones. We don’t have an experience that the majority of parents can relate to. And because of that, they do not typically acknowledge us as being like them.

Getting Your Hands Dirty

If you haven’t gotten your hands dirty (so to speak), and you haven’t dealt with all the things parents normally deal with, then you just simply fall short. Even worse, it feels to us like our precious little baby is the one who falls short. If you’ve had a lot of experience (diapers, crying fits at night, cute pics, sports, discipline issues, etc.), then you get acknowledged by others as being real parents. And your baby is acknowledged as a real baby. Otherwise, for the most part, you and baby get overlooked. Yes, there are compassionate people out there who are the exceptions. But sadly, those people are few and far between. Achievement and experience should not be the deciding factor in whether someone qualifies as a parent or a baby. Because if that is the case, then all miscarried, aborted, and stillborn babies have nothing to show. And that is tragic.

The Not-So-Terrible 2’s

But what if you were not dealing with the difficulty of child rearing? What if you were only dealing with the difficulty of not being able to rear a child, because your only baby is dead? What then? Is it your lack of experience in raising children that determines whether or not you should be called a parent? Is it somehow an easier burden to deal with a baby’s death than it is to go through the struggles of parenting? I don’t remember where I saw it, but there is a saying out there that goes something like this: “A new mommy can’t sleep at night because of her crying baby. But a mommy of a stillborn can’t sleep at night because she doesn’t hear her baby cry.” Parents of stillborns would do anything for our baby to be with us, even if that means they would have a screaming fit inside Target when they turned 5 years old. We would do anything to have seen their first poopy diaper. We would have loved for our baby to go through the “Terrible 2’s.” But they never made it to 2 years of age. We would have savored even 2 hours with our baby. This is reality for most parents of stillborn babies. Even parents who have other children rarely hear their stillborn acknowledged in the same way as their other kids. This should not be.

So, How Many Kids Do You Have?

This is one of the hardest, most dreaded questions a parent of a stillborn baby ever has to answer. You might be thinking that this should really be easy for us. But it isn’t. We have to be thinking before we answer. And we only have a few seconds to contemplate how we answer. We don’t have a straightforward, one-size-fits-all answer for every person who asks. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve agonized over the fact that I did not acknowledge my daughter when people have asked me “The Question.” I can’t understand why I even do it. That is the most difficult part. I know I should say something like “Yes, I am a dad. And I have a beloved, beautiful baby girl named Ariana who died as a stillborn. I love her and miss her very much!” But most of the time, I do not say this. And even though I can’t pinpoint exactly why, I suppose it is mostly fear. Fear of the type of response I am going to receive from others. Fear of really awkward silences. Fear of people looking at me like I’m crazy for thinking I’m a father when my baby never even took a breath outside the womb. Yes, all these possible outcomes can dart through the mind at lightning speed when you are the parent of a stillborn baby.


So please remember this: God formed our stillborn baby’s inward parts. And just because those parts were stillborn, God still formed them inside mommy’s tummy. Nothing will ever change that. Not even the most awkward conversation. And not even the failure of a father to acknowledge his beloved baby girl, all because of the social fear and awkwardness involved. If death itself cannot break the parental bond we have with our stillborn baby, then it is absurd to think anything else will. God is the One who creates this powerful bond. It is His design alone. And no one can ever undo what He has done.


Your likes or comments are always appreciated! I will do my best to respond to each one. And if you enjoy my posts, I wouldn’t mind an extra subscriber either. (-:  God bless you, and thanks for stopping by!  – Jamie

10 Things Parents of Stillborn Babies Want You To Know (Part 5): Don’t Change the Subject


“Hey, did you guys hear about Johnny??!!”
the proud father excitedly asks his fellow co-workers. “He hit 2 home runs, and he pitched a no hitter in Friday’s game!” “In fact, it was the first no hitter in the schools entire history! I can’t believe it!” The crew gives him a nod of acknowledgement, as if to say “We heard you just mouth a few words in our direction, so we are simply agreeing with what you said.” Then, it’s simply business as usual. No congratulatory words. No excitement. No further questions. Just a simple nod is all little Johnny gets from the crowd. Waiting for any kind of response turns into an agonizing silence. The father waits with annoyance. Nothing. Not a peep. Dead silence. And I mean a dead, awkward, rude, painful, you-gotta-be-kidding-me kind of silence. Apparently, this father’s excitement for his son’s athletic performance is not catchy. He is hurt, but there is nothing he can do about it. He can’t force them to be interested. By not hearing a word of congratulations in response to his son’s great story, the father feels like he was dissed……..treated with contempt. The hurt cuts deep. And the hurt isn’t primarily that he was dissed, but that his son was dissed.

As we continue on with my series on how to minister well to those who have suffered the loss of a stillborn baby, the next two points will be condensed into one overall point.

Parents of stillborn babies want you to know…………….


#6 We want you to become more comfortable in conversation, and not change the subject so quickly whenever we talk about our precious babies.

#7 When we bring up in conversation that we had a stillborn, we want you to know that simply saying “I’m sorry” is a much better option than total, dismissive silence.


Children Deserve Better

The poor, stressed out daddy now figures he can at least brag to the people who attend the same book club meeting he does. He’ll tell them about his son’s amazing performance. “Surely they won’t ignore my own flesh and blood son,” he thinks to himself. “After all the time we’ve spent together. After all the times I listened to their pathetic stories.” This one is a shoe-in, right? After he arrives at the meeting, he goes through the above scenario again. The father repeats, “My son Johnny hit 2 home runs today, and he pitched a no-hitter!!” But this time, things are different. There is a response. As the leader of the discussion group looks toward the others, he says “Oh ok, good for him. Hey, did any of you guys see how many passing yards Brady had last night? He is on my fantasy league ballot, and I missed the box score.” Ouch. The son is dissed yet again. This father may never get over this hurt. And he may hesitate to share anything valuable again. He feels like no one cares about his son. He is feeling the pain of rejection. Not for himself per say, but mostly for his child.

More Than a Baseball Game

As bad as the above example is, imagine that you were talking about more than a performance in a baseball game. Imagine you were talking about the day your child was born. Even more, imagine if you are talking to someone about the day your baby was born……..and died. No parent wants their child to be ignored, either in person or in conversation talking about your child. Especially when you are talking about the painful ordeal of seeing your baby come forth from the womb……….dead. No life. No breath. No smile. No crying. No anything. Then, imagine you try to talk about your baby with others, and instead of being given the gracious liberty to do this, you are shut down because someone had a “more important” topic to discuss. They don’t even give it a second thought. This is so disheartening to parents of stillborn babies. When you ignore our conversation so flippantly, you are communicating to us that our baby is second class. That our baby doesn’t matter. That our baby is too much of an inconvenience to even talk about, or listen to someone else talk about. You communicate to us that you believe that our baby is still born, but not still loved.

Babies Come From God

We all love to talk about things we love. I know……..I’m a genius to figure that out. And since parents love their kids, they also love to talk about their kids. Logical, isn’t it? And parents love for people to listen to them when they talk about their kids. And for good reason. Scripture says, “Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him” (Psalm 127:3). They are the fruit of a mommy’s womb. They have DNA of both mommy and daddy. They are the miraculous, beautiful result of the one flesh union the Bible talks about (Ephesians 5). And most importantly, babies are human beings created in the image of Almighty God. He has planned for the existence of each and every baby who is ever conceived. Notice I didn’t say born, but conceived. Scripture clearly teaches that life begins at conception, which means that every life of every baby began at conception……..not when the first breath was taken outside the womb.

Could this be why stillborn babies are ignored so much? Is it because he or she never breathed outside the womb? Is it because some people don’t consider them to have ever been fully human? I don’t want to get too far into the abortion issue on this post, but my point is worth considering. Here’s what the Scripture says about personhood in the womb……

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13).

King David’s personhood is spoken about long before he ever emerges from the womb. Notice the personal pronoun “my” repeated twice in the above verse. If you are the parent of a stillborn baby, remember that God says they were a person from the very moment of conception. It is a good thing to remind the people in your life of this fact as well.

Love Comes From God

God is the one who implants the love within us that we have for our babies.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God (1 John 4:7).

And even those who don’t know God savingly still have that parental instinct to love and care for their children, and to be zealous for their well-being and their reputation. No matter what the circumstances are of a baby being conceived, or what kind of physical and mental defects the baby may have, or what kind of problems they are born into, they are precious, beautiful, and always a gift from God. He gives the gift of children with the responsibility for parents to love them. And He is the One who empowers us to love them. The fact that parents of stillborns continue to love their babies many years after their death is a God-given emotion. And despite how painful it is sometimes to love a baby you never had the chance to play with, I still wouldn’t trade this pain in for anything. And I’m sure other parents would agree. The pain is evidence of the love we have for them. The memories are even more evidence. Dealing with the pain keeps our eyes focused on Jesus. He dealt with much worse pain. He can handle ours. And one day, He will completely heal our pain.

Sacred Ground

God knows His precious little ones. And the Bible clearly teaches that personhood begins the moment sperm and egg unite together. Remember, God is sovereign over this baby being conceived. He knows and loves the stillborn baby more than even the parents ever will. God is certainly not responsible for sins anyone commits in the conception of a baby, but He does decree the baby’s conception. In fact, He decrees all things that come to pass. No baby is ever a “mistake.” I was not a Christian when my precious Ariana was conceived. Having sex outside of marriage is clearly forbidden by God. But her birth was still known and decreed by Almighty God. This is a great mystery, of course. But it is the truth of Scripture. So, when a parent of a stillborn baby starts talking about how they had a baby who died during the birth process (or shortly before), remember that God knit this stillborn baby together in mommy’s womb (Psalm 139). Please regard this conversation highly. Not only to minister and show compassion to parents who are deeply hurting, but because the baby is the handiwork of the Almighty. When you listen to someone speak of how much they love and miss their own child, and how much pain they are suffering, you are standing on sacred ground.

We Sympathize With You

It may be uncomfortable for you (we know this). You may not know exactly what to say (and it’s ok, we understand). But other times, you may be thinking about that job promotion, or the fact that you really just want to go home and get something to eat. These things may be true to one degree or another. After all, we are all human and have needs. Conversational skill takes time, education, and effort. Ministering to others effectively takes lifetimes to learn. We don’t expect you to be perfect. But we want you to know that it is hurtful when you remain silent when we just want you to ask a question. Just one question about our baby. It doesn’t matter what it is. Just some type of acknowledgement would be worlds better than total silence, or changing the subject altogether. Little things like that mean so much to hurting people.

Saying “I’m Sorry”

If we bring it up in conversation, you can be absolutely certain that we want to talk about our babies. And we do not desire to have a one-way conversation. We are talking to you. We want you to be a part of the conversation. We are inviting you into our world to bear a little of the burden we have experienced, a tiny piece of our suffering in having a stillborn baby. At that moment, we are giving our hearts to you. We are sharing some of the most intimate, painful details of our life with you. It is a golden opportunity for us to vent our hurts, to take joy in bragging about our baby, to remember and cherish those moments we had with them. Please let us have that experience by listening and speaking words of compassion.

And if you don’t have a clue what to say, just look at us in the eyes softly with compassion and say “I’m so sorry that happened to you.” That’s all. Nothing more is needed. But anything less might be taken as dismissive silence. And that is not good either. As grieving parents, we do want some type of response. And if you simply make eye contact and say “I’m sorry”, you will minister more to us in those few seconds than you will ever know. We certainly don’t expect you to have the same raw emotions as we do. And we don’t even want you to pretend to have the same emotions either. We just want your ears, your eyes, your mouth, and most of all………..your heart. Even if only for a few moments.

We Can’t Help It

Parents of stillborn babies can’t help being hurt and upset when their baby is treated like a second rate conversational topic. No matter who you are, whether your children are living or dead, God has given parents such an immense love for them that we simply cannot help how we feel. We make no apologies for our hurts. Parents of stillborn babies cannot help the fact that blogs like this one have to be written. Everyone else in the world may change the topic, or remain silent. But you can bet your bottom dollar that’ll never be us. We will never stop talking about our babies. Despite all the awkwardness, we will keep trying………always. Our babies are worth it. They may have been stillborn, but they are still loved. And they always will be. So everyone might as well get used to it. Stillborn babies never had the chance to enter a human conversation. Hopefully, the parents are doing their best to make up for lost time.


David Platt once said……..

There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes.

Platt is right. And since the stillborn child never comes, the parents will work tirelessly to bring that child to others. And they do it through conversation. It is the only way for them to give others a glimpse into a life that ended way too soon. Don’t make parents regret that moment of opening themselves up to you. It is much too precious to them.


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10 Things Parents of Stillborn Babies Want You To Know (Part 4): Be a Good Listener


People will say some of the most vile things over the phone. I know this all too well. I do customer service. I get paid to talk to people on the phone all day long. Most of my working life has been taking phone calls from people I have never spoken to before, and then attempting to help them with whatever their problem is……..as best I can. I’m thankful that people call. And I’m thankful to have a job. Nonetheless, it is challenging to hear some of the words that spew out of people’s mouths when they are not looking at you face to face. Since this is a family-friendly blog, I will not even mention some of the things I hear. Some of it would shock you to the point that you would think I’m lying. Really, no joke. There have been physical threats made against me (yes, I’m serious), insults of every kind imaginable, uncontrolled rage, you name it. Every day I go into work thinking, “I’ve heard it all.” But then, the carpet is pulled from underneath me again, and someone manages to outdo all the others with their tongue. Is it any wonder that we see these words in Scripture: “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell” (James 3:6).

The Phrase I Hate to Hear

With all of the garbage that I hear, there is one phrase I hear from time to time that bothers me more than any other. And it is this: Jamie, that’s NOT what I said!! You’re not listening to me, are you?!” That one hurts. In some ways, it hurts more than anything else they say to me. When customers shout vile insults, they are really just venting because they are not getting what they want. They are, in essence, having a hissy fit over the phone. Although it is sinful behavior, I don’t believe it is anything personal. They are just angry and frustrated. They may also be dealing with other difficulties in their life. I get it. I’ve been there and done that myself.

But when they tell me I’m not listening, it is personal. They are making a judgment about my ability to do my job. They think I am either being careless, rude, or neglectful. Or all three for that matter. No matter the reason for the accusation, I hate to hear it. Sometimes it is simply miscommunication. In other words, I was listening but I misinterpreted what they were asking me for. Or maybe they just didn’t phrase things in a way that makes sense. But other times, as much as I hate to admit it, they are correct in their assessment. I was stressed and distracted. I tuned out for a moment. I was preoccupied. Even worse, I put my own interests before theirs. A shameful thing indeed. In other words, I heard them speaking…….but I wasn’t really listening. And they knew it.


As we continue exploring how to minister to parents who have lost stillborn babies, we come to #5 on the list. Parents of stillborn babies want you to know…….

#5 We want you to know that we love talking about our babies as much as any other parent loves to talk about their own kids, and we want people to at least try to listen more when we do.


The Rudeness of Darting Eyes

You know the feeling you get when you are talking to someone about a really important matter, and you know they are not focusing on you. Aggravating, isn’t it? You know how you try to speak with even more emphasis, thinking they will suddenly start giving you their ever-precious attention. You talk louder. You look at them more intensely. It’s like you try to will them into looking at you. But it never happens, does it? Their eyes are still all over the place. They are looking above, below, right, left, diagonal, behind, in front of………..anywhere but at you. Women especially are all too aware of this. You have to experience more than just conversational ADD. You have to deal with perverted men who look at your body when you are talking, but not at your eyes. I’m sure this is a very frustrating, and sometimes even scary, experience. The fact of the matter is this: All of us want eye contact. And for very good reasons.

To ignore someone’s eyes when they are speaking is rude and insensitive, and it can be very distressing to the one who is speaking. Especially when you are relaying something near and dear to your heart. Like say, talking about your dead baby boy or girl, whom you love dearly.  The baby whom you would give your right arm just to hear cry even one time. The one you miss so bad it hurts. The one you never got to take home with you. The baby you think about every time you are in public, when you see another parent with their child. The one you had to bury a few days after the delivery date. Imagine all of that pain and devastation. And now……now…… you can’t even have 15 seconds of someone’s attention when you talk about your baby?! Devastating indeed.

Please Don’t Slight Our Baby

And you know what the real problem is when your eyes are not engaging us? It means that our words are meaningless to you. And to us, it even says that our baby is meaningless to you. To neglect someone when they are talking is more than just neglecting the speaker. It is also to neglect the topic of the conversation. Parents of stillborn babies are protective of their babies. Yes, even though they are dead, we are protective of them. We still love them very deeply. We don’t care if you slight us when we are talking about the Patriots game. We don’t care if you disrespect us when we tell you about the new job we got. It may be rude of you to do so, and it may hurt us to a degree. But we won’t lose any sleep over it. However, we have lost sleep over the loss of our babies. And when you ignore them right in front of our eyes by not listening, you add to the insomnia.

When we talk about our baby, we don’t want them to be slighted. When you ignore us as we speak about our stillborn, and you are interested in everything else around you, you are slighting our baby. You may not think of it that way, but it is the truth. That’s how horrible it feels to us. It makes us both sad and angry at the same time. You might as well walk to their grave site and kick dirt over the top of it. It gives us the same murky feeling inside our guts. To not listen is to count the topic of conversation as meaningless and trivial. Not worthy of your time or your attention. Remember this the next time you are talking to a parent who has lost a stillborn baby. Don’t think for a moment that- because we didn’t get to spend much time with our baby- it somehow means we don’t love them as much as other parents. This would be a grievous mistake. When I talk about my precious Ariana, it means everything to me when your eyes don’t float around the room.

One Simple Request

We are not asking you to take the pain away. We know you cannot do that. No one can do that. That pain will be with us to some degree for our entire lives. For those of us who know Jesus Christ, the pain will all be taken away when He returns. (I can’t wait for that moment!!) So for the here and now, we aren’t asking you for a miracle. All we are asking is that you give us a listening ear. That’s all. You may not realize it, but it would mean the world to us. We notice when people are listening, and when they are not. Trust me………if a customer can tell over the phone that I’m not giving them 100% of my attention, how much easier is it to notice face to face? Those precious seconds we offer up to you, and your response to them, will be remembered for a lifetime………..either with pain, or with a smile of appreciation.

All we are looking for is genuine, soft, warm, and engaging eye contact. The kind that makes the other person know that you care about them, and what they are saying. The kind of eye contact that lets them know that you not only hear them, but you are listening to them. Some of us parents who have lost babies know exactly what I’m talking about here. We know those rare people that can put a smile on our face as we brag on our babies to them. They enter our world. They enter our pain. They give themselves to us as we speak to them. They look at us with compassion. They are not easily distracted. They aren’t checking out the hottie twenty feet away from them. They don’t have an agenda, and they aren’t in a rush to get away from us. This is the sweet spot. Do you have someone in your life like this? I pray that you do.

Be Intentional With Us

We don’t expect you to have all the answers. We know that you were not in the delivery room with us. We know that you do not understand the experience of losing a baby to stillbirth. Think simple, not complex. There is one way really good way to enter into the experience of others. There is one best way to empathize with the suffering of parents who have lost a baby. It is to pay attention to them. It is to focus on them. Be an intentional listener. Give them the stage, and let them pour their heart out to you. Be willing to give them those precious moments they so badly need. We aren’t asking for months, days, or even hours. Most of the time we are asking for seconds. Yes, precious and few seconds. You cannot bring back our babies to us. But you can let our minds run with vivid imagination of just how beautiful our baby is. You can let us have our memories, and enjoy them to the fullest. Remember, those memories belong to us. Please don’t steal them away.


Active listening involves more than just the ears. It involves your eyes as well. It involves your body language. Your entire self is needed to truly love someone else as they speak. And when you are aware of this, your will give better attention to our words. Your mind and heart will be in it as much as your ears and eyes.

To be a good listener means loving the person who is speaking. But it also means loving the one the speaker is talking about. Especially when they are talking about their own baby. A baby who died before anyone could listen to them.


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